I'm at a crossroads. I don't know how or why, nor what the different roads may be. I'm not sure how many of them there are, and certainly I'm not familiar with the best one, and have not a clue on which one should be preferred, if there is any.
Crossroads is a nice word. I immediately imagine an intersection somewhere in a desert, or with one of those terrains you see in old cowboy movies. Sometimes there's a caravan, sometimes horses, but never anything modern. Related to the word, and it comes to mind often as well, is Robert Johnson - the famous blues artist. I'm not certain, but I believe there was a song Crossroads, or an album, or something, but the story goes that he met the devil at the crossroads, and sold his soul to become a famous blues man.
It's interesting that he found devil on the crossroads. In some local stories (southern slavic), I've heard that witches and probably devils/demons gather at the crossroads (where one road meets the other), to hang out. That is why most of the little chapels here have been built on the crossroads - I guess to stop them from gathering.
Coming back to my crossroads. I'm not happy with how things are going, nor with how things have been for the past few years. Certainly, there are bright spots here and there, and I can't say I've had a bad couple of years - there certainly was progress in many fields in my life. Professionally - not so much. Personal growth - I'd say solid progress. Physical well being and health - It's a tough one to comment on, when you have a chronic disease, and had a tumor removed 8 months ago, but It's been great as well (it could obviously be better, but I'll take what I get). Spiritual growth - I'm finding God again. Praying regularly, and feeling its presence often. A plus for sure.
Hmm.. things have been going pretty well actually. Of course, if you're down on the ground, you can't go anywhere but up. So some of it is because of that. I mean - losing your fiancee to suicide, and being the one who was blamed as the reason for it in the suicide letter, leaves a toll on a man. A couple of days ago, an older guy asked me have I gone over what happened. My answer was pretty political - "time heals everything" - and it kind of does. It's gonna be 5 years soon. I still think about it, I still dream it, I still live through the aftermath of it every day. But it gets easier. I can laugh, I can joke, I can have fun. Music is interesting again. I have faith that better days will come. I even have thoughts about other women. And, not really sure how to say this - wanting to have someone, but at the same time not wanting it. My mind creates scenarios where I'm happy with someone else, but in the real world, I can't do it - there's no chance for me to go and ask someone out, or for a cup of coffee. I guess more time is needed, or something else.
That could be the crossroads. Continue on, or change course. Changing course can be good, or bad, or stay the same. Continuing on, as well. I don't know.
I've heard of this Jung guy earlier, and the shadow work. I'm not sure, it scares me a bit to do anything. I listened to a hypnosis tape about inner child work - and how a guided hypnosis can be used to, in your mind, go back, and meet your inner child. The idea is to heal any traumas you've had as a child, and say to the inner child that things are going to be fine. So I did that, it took like 30 minutes or so (from youtube), and some things happened - I haven't exactly managed to do much in conversation with myself as a kid, but I did meet me, and chatted a bit. After the session ended, I immediately thought that I have to do this again, but haven't done it since, cause I'm afraid. It's been 2 months.
I have the same feeling about the shadow work. Maybe I give it a shot - maybe there's a "for beginners" one that won't break me and leave me scared and scarred for the rest of my life.