When you feel a difficult or complicated emotion, what do you do?
A. Judge yourself for it ("I shouldn't feel this way.")
B. Beat yourself up for it ("I'm a bad person for feeling this.")
C. Pretend you're not feeling it ("I'm fine, what do you mean?"
D. Accept that you're feeling it ("I am feeling this right now and that's okay.")
If you've answered A, B, or C, We've got a tool for you in this post that can help you to change the way you respond to your feelings.
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Old Happy: "To cope with my feelings, I have to hide them.”
New Happy: "To work with my feelings, I have to accept them.”
If you are frequently choosing A, B, or C, you’ve probably noticed that these strategies don’t magically make your difficult feelings disappear.
Judging, berating, or hiding your feelings just mutates them into something else, something that ends up hurting ourselves and others. For, quite often, we end up taking out those emotions on other people:
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We judge other people’s emotions
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We feel angry at others for feeling their emotions
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We silence other people’s emotions
Multiple studies have found that accepting your negative emotions is a key contributor to mental health. It is related to less stress, less worry, and less anxiety. Further research shows that, when we believe that all of our emotions are acceptable, we are more likely to choose healthier coping strategies that help us to refrain from lashing out at other people.
Here's a simple way to start accepting your feelings:
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Practice observing them. I like to tilt my head downward, looking at my chest and imagining that there is a box over my heart, full of whatever emotions I am feeling. Try it: what do you see?
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Practice giving yourself compassion. Say to yourself, "It's okay that I'm feeling this," or, "This is hard, and I am here for myself." Consider what this emotion might be telling you about what you need and want in your life.
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