a lawn chair in every driveway
*tuesday. the most unremarkable day of the week.
and on this unremarkable day, we have some prepared remarks from candidate for president, will "william" berhalter.*
good evening, ladies and gentlemen. i am running to be president of these united states, not because i want to, but because increasingly, i notice a crisis of unimaginable magnitude descending on our once proud nation, a quiet calamity slowly snowballing, threating to roll down the mountian and wipe out the entirety of an 8th grade field trip to aspen. i'm talking, of course, about the banishment of that beautiful, blessed backside brace, that fading ode to all things weekend-er-y, the loss of the humble lawnchair.
when i was just a young pup, my father, william "will" berhalter, would wake each morning after a night of inspecting dust at the local peanut manufacturing plant, pop on his most valuable speedo, and head to the front of the house for his repose in his favorite lawnchair. that old lawnchair was much like my father; tough, full of character, rusty, and hard to look at from most respectable distances. he and my father went thru it all together; the lawn gnome war of '77, the lemonade stand worker's strike and subsequent riot(s), the book club insurrection; all, observed, from the comfort of his lawnchair. together, forever.
and this is why, when i look around today and see driveway after driveway free and clear of past-their-prime lawnchairs and fathers, i realize that someone must act. well, i'm here to tell you today that i am that someone.
under my administration, it will be illegal not to own a lawnchair; it will be punishable by firing squad. in my administration, there will be zero tolerance for these sissy "modern" lawnchairs, which are just large tupperware dishes disguising themselves as chairs, don't think i'm not on to you, you fucking bastards, with your plastic armrests, and your ergonomic designs, it's all space-age nonsense and owning and/or manufacturing one of these ridiculous mockeries will also be punishable by firing squad. no, each household in "william" berhalter's america must have an eyesore of a lawnchair; a large, creaking, wasp-infested behemoth that may or may not collapse under its own weight like a dying star, let alone under the weight of an average adult.
we will remove funding for all governmental bodies, state and local; we will slash the budget of the military by 75% a day until each and every driveway in our great nation has a lawnchair of its own and is whole once more. for if we do not accomplish this, how can we call ourselves american?
do you think the founding fathers driveways were free and clear of lawnchairs? after delivering the famous address at gettysburg, did lincoln not spend hours reclined in a chair hand woven by mary todd? even the indigenous people of our great land sang songs and told tales of abentuhomepetho, which literally translates to "he who resides in a lawnchair". my fellow americans, it is time we rectify this historical injustice.
it is time we face the most pressing issue of the day.
it is time, again, for a lawnchair in every driveway.
#berhalter/cheney2024.
